Well I have an RMA number now. I got it late last night actually, but didn't post :p
If you're viewing this site on a browser that isn't IE on Windows, you will see that I've done some fancy CSS stuff that, well, totally pwns beyond pwnage. It's that simple. Transparent PNG-backgrounded static tables. Could life be any better? I think not.
I am about to implement a method of serving IE the alternative stylesheet that doesn't require JS to function. And then I will sleep, I think...